Title: My testimony
Tags: Finding God
Blog Entry: How God turned my life around! I don’t like to talk about myself as a rule but many people on my church have asked me how I became paraplegic. I thought it would be a good idea to write a blog on how the Lord brought me through the trauma and devastation of my disability and is still the glue that is holding me together. I feel that this is going to be quite a long blog so I will space it out into blocks and if there is enough interest shown, I will continue each block at regular intervals. We have to get some background on who I was and where I came from. My status with God and my family at the time of the accident and I will try to be honest about my thoughts and feelings throughout this story. There will be a lot of personal stuff kicking around and I would appreciate any feed back during the blocks. I do not wish to offend anyone with this story and apologize prior to that happening. Please feel free to stop me at any time or comment in a positive or negative way, I will not be offended. In 1985 I was not a nice person at all. I had been saved some years earlier but had “back sliden”. I had morals and standards that I never broke such as not stealing, doing to others etc but I was drinking heavily, smoking weed quite often and deceiving my lovely wife. I swore in every sentence Fs and Bs etc. I believed at that time that God had given up on me and I was heading for Hell so nothing seemed to bother me spiritually? I would often drive the car whilst over the limit (alcohol or weed). I was 29 years old had three lovely kids and a gorgeous wife, yet I was blind to all the gifts that God had bestowed upon me. I was a complete idiot. I had a very good sex life with my wife but still looked out for opportunities to cheat! I cringe as I write this, it is reminding me so much of the horrible person that I was! However, we will be seeing Gods grace and compassion shining as I continue. I have ALWAYS believed that God put Michelle and I together for a reason but during that time I could not see any further than the next drinking session or so called happy hour. I look back now at the wasted years and regret those times, although I also see that they were part of the plan that God had for me. I can talk to and feel what an alcoholic is going through, I have that history behind me. How Michelle put up with and actually stayed with me only God knows! I will call this part chapter one and not bore you for too long. If you would like me to continue with my testimony I will look forward to your comments, Stu. I have very mixed feelings as I continue. I am very excited at the prospect of declaring how My Loving Father delivered me from, pain ,anguish, resentment and torture and yet I feel some discomfort at revealing my awful past. God is so awesome and I know that the Holy Spirit will guide me through the process on which I am about to embark. It was December 27 th , the day after boxing day. I had been “celebrating” Christmas in my usual fashion, booze, booze and more booze. I had spent time with my children (I wasn’t that much an ogre) but I still partook in the selfish pleasures of ME. Later that night I decided to go to see my younger brother and his wife and kids, (we had not made any plans for “New Years Eve” and we always had a session during that season. I was far from drunk but slightly over the limit. I decided to take the motor cycle (there were about two miles of the four that were woodland and the bike was a motor cross (Honda Enduro). I arrived at his house around 11.00 pm and we had a couple of drinks and made plans for the New Year celebrations. It was very cold that evening. I took the main road home and was distressed to see ice patches and thick frost. This was around 1.30 am. I remember I was approaching a roundabout and making a right turn. I glanced over my right shoulder behind me and noticed that there was an ambulance behind me. Little did I know that the very same ambulance would be taking me to the intensive care unit just after the right shoulder glance. I apparently lost control on a patch of black ice and was thrown from the bike. I woke up some days after in intensive care with my family around me. I was terrified to find that I was hooked up to a heart monitor, a respirator was breathing for me. I had a two inch diameter tube stuffed down my throat. I couldn’t feel my legs and there was a tube sticking out of my “Thingy”. I couldn’t speak and looked at Michelle who was crying mainly because I had come out of the coma. It was such a terrifying experience. I was unaware of my condition and so drugged up that I slipped back into oblivion. Three weeks passed before I found out the extent of my condition. During that time I had to write notes to Michelle as she sat beside m bed each day and often late into the night. I was so drugged up that I kept slipping in and out of consciousness . I had asked her why I could not feel anything below my chest but each time she just ran off crying. I later learned that I had barely scraped through! I had knocked a valve loose in my heart and there had been internal bleeding ( I have a scar that goes from my mid chest right round to my mid back) I was basically cut in half to allow access to my heart. I “flat lined” a couple of times and was shocked back to life. Michelle knew how frail I was and did not wish to tell me that I was paralysed until the Consultant gave the ok. My chest was full of mucus and a catheter was pushed down my throat at hourly intervals to drain the build up of fluid. I was fed through a nasal gastric tube and needed huge doses of gas and air which sent me as high as a kite….man I can still feel that today but it is usually when I am praising the Lord. Eventually the doctor came with the news, “Stuart, you will never walk again”. The words echoed around my head like in a dream, I still could not talk with this tube down my throat. I remember crying all of that night…sobbing and asking God to finish the job that I blamed Him for. Yes I blamed God. Not for actually doing it to me but having the power to prevent it and not using that power. I still had no idea that it was part of His plan. I began to get stronger and was transferred to the spinal unit at Lodge Moor Hospital. That is when the “real fun” began. Paralysis due to spinal injury causes not only loss of feeling, sensation and use of limbs but also “normal” function of bowels and bladder and some other organs. The tube that I mentioned sticking out of my “thingy” was a urinal catheter. They decided to remove this and (due to bladder incontinence) replace it with a urinal condom or sheath. This was an entirely new ball game to me. When fitted to the penis it is then connected to a collecting bag either fitted to the leg or left hanging at the side of the bed. Putting one of these things on (22 yrs ago) was an art in itself. You needed a semi erection to begin with ( which is quite a feat when there is no feeling there) then you needed to be quick (in case you started to urinate) to firstly strap a piece of glue to your penis and then roll the thing on. Things are much better these days but that is a different story ( of which I will probably end up telling). How He loves us part four. The bowels are a little more embarrassing. Function of the bowels in paralysis is a Hit and Miss kind of thing. They either work “normally” or they hardly work at all. I was unfortunate enough to cop for the latter. During my time in bed (6 months in all) my bowels had to be emptied by a nurse in the bed. They administered 5mls of rectal solution, donned a disposable glove and began to dig away at my backside. First time this ever happened to me I almost died from embarrassment. Later I had to learn how to do this myself and that continues to this day. Quite often in the early days there were accidents from both ends and always at the wrong times. Just got the best clothes on to go to a restaurant and wallop, need I say more? After 22 years of this one gets used to ones own body and the accidents are far and few between, nevertheless still they occur. I am telling these things so that the reader can appreciate the sort of feelings that we would be having because as Stevie always says, “If you can walk a mile in these shoes” etc etc etc! My emotions were upside down. I wanted to die (truthfully). At that time in my life I hated almost everything. I was jealous of able bodied people, I tried to break up with my wife (I didn’t want her to lose everything that she had to look after a cripple). I taunted her, trying to raise anger in her so that she would leave me but Praise God she stood by me. I know now that God DEFINITELY had His hand upon us. Well I went through re-hab and came home. Nothing was ever going to be the same. I could no longer play sports with the kids, people avoided looking at me because they did not know how to react and sex…..I mentioned that we had a satisfactory sex life (although I never realized that at the time). Of course things were different. We adapted to an alternative “way” of having sex (of which I will not go into detail) but one which satisfied us (Michelle mainly) both. I took part in some research that the scientists were doing concerning fertility in paraplegics. Ejaculation was out of the question so they had to use some kind of vibrator system that was inserted into my rectum to extract sperm from me. The results of the test came and I was told that I was sterile. It was like being hit with a sledge hammer. I had my kids but I felt robbed of my manhood! Does that sound corny? Well I am rambling on now and probably already lost my audience. This is a testimony to Gods saving grace so I will get to the point in the next chapter! Love Stu. How He loves us part five. Years passed by. I got more and more depressed! I had at least three suicide attempts, always overdoses. I began cutting myself. The mad reasoning behind that was that if I could feel some pain in my legs, I might have some hope? Still not convinced that GOD was my only hope. I went to the occasional church meeting but never with much enthusiasm. Michelle was at her wits end, I think secretly she would have liked to kill me herself LOL, about 15 years ago I began working for South Yorkshire Police. I loved my job and being the bread winner once again seemed to give me a new lease of life. I joined a church again and this time I gave in to Christ and got baptized (I was baptized before but felt that I needed to renew my declaration of love to God). Suddenly about three years ago my contract ended with the police and I ended up on the scrap heap once more. My ego took it bad and the drinking started again. This time though I never lost sight of who I was supposed to be. I knew that God had chosen me and not the other way round. However one drinking session and depression night I went too far. I was swearing in the street, shouting abuse at Michelle and even trying to land a punch at her. She called the cops and I was arrested. They threw me into the back of the car and put my wheelchair in beside me. I remember taking my tablets (Baclofen) that I used for muscle spasms out of my bag. There were around 60-100, I swallowed the lot. The police threw me into a cell to sleep it off. They were not aware of the tablets that I had taken. I don’t remember much after that except a dream that I had. God visited me in the cell and told me that I was a fool! He chastised me strongly and then told me that I had one more chance at life and not to mess it up. I woke up some days later with people I had not seen for years all crying around my bed. Man it scared me, I thought I was witnessing my own wake! And in some respects I was doing just that. I had died to my old self and woke up in Jesus name. Michelle told me after that all of my organs had shut down and the doctor said that even if I did survive I would be severely brain damaged (well he got that bit right LOL). She refused to come in to see me because it was a de Ja vous (excuse the spelling) situation. I now live my life in total obedience to My Lord and King Jesus Christ. I am the happiest that I have ever been. I long to do HIS will. I am not perfect or even GOOD but God is leading me and His Grace is ever present. I still have feelings of sadness in my life, I miss things that I could do before but they no longer have a grip on me. He that is in me is stronger than any feelings I might save. I trust My Redeemer with all of my heart and cannot wait for the words “Welcome my good and faithful servant” Amen. a
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